You know, when you are approaching a “big” birthday, you start reevaluating your life, or looking back and seeing what you have achieved over the past decade. Although I still have another year, as I was getting ready to go out with my girls on my birthday last month, and was trying to decide what to wear, a thought struck me. I had two choices: a beautiful flowing dress, which really has a surreal feel to it and would truly turn heads; or white jeans, black top and magenta pumps along with a statement necklace, which also happened to be hot pink. The first one would make me look romantic and cute, the second – hot. And I realized: I am slowly leaving the age of cuteness, and entering the age of hotness. The age where you know what you want, don’t particularly care about what others think about your desires and still look good enough to pull of magenta pumps without looking like you’re trying to prove you’ve still got it. Needless to say, the second outfit won for the night:)
Just ten years ago, this train of thought would not have occurred. But there are some valuable lessons that I have learned over the years that I would not trade for my pre-baby body. If I were to talk to my younger self, here is what I would say.
You are beautiful
One day my husband was strutting topless and only in his worn saggy jeans around the house. As he was passing the mirror in our living room, he stopped, turned towards it, flexed his muscles a little, patted his stomach, and with a happy sigh moved on to wherever he was going. I asked him: “Do you ever feel not attractive?” He paused a little and then answered: “Nope”. I laughed but then I started thinking about it. We spend countless hours and hundreds of dollars to look pretty and are still not happy with ourselves. A guy wakes up, puts on jeans (hopefully, clean) and off he goes to conquer the world. Now I do not intend or want to act the same way a guy does because I truly like picking out clothes, putting on make up and exercising. But at the same time, only now am I fully embracing the true meaning of beauty. Namely that it really comes from within. A confident woman is beautiful. An intelligent woman is beautiful. A kind and warm and witty woman is beautiful. No matter how physically attractive you are, the superficial beauty is fleeting and people remember you for who you are on the inside.
You are the master of your own life
With age, my patience for those who complain and whine about things that can actually be changed is getting progressively thinner. My mother always says: if you want to be happy, be happy. My wonderful childhood friend always says: you are the master of your own life and you will do whatever it takes to make sure you are living the life you want to be living. You don’t have to settle for anything less than what is perfect for you in all areas of your life. How you get there, is another question but nobody is responsible for the choices you make. Not happy with a job? Go find another one. Gut tells you the guy is not right, say thank you and move on. I know, I am oversimplifying, but somehow I am finally getting in sync with my intuition rather than ignoring it. Simply because it’s been right soooo many times…
Love alone is not enough
But respect may be. I had to figure this out the hard way. Living in a houseful of men (a husband and three sons:) allowed me a glimpse into the way they think. We girls dream of the eternal love. Not something concrete, but something we can feel and be happy about. And we expect guys to know what it is (because that’s what the prince is supposed to do, right?). The fact of the matter is that the guys don’t know. They take the cues from us, by trial and error, and if the messages we send are vague, or general (I just want you to love me!), it really is hard for a guy. Love may mean a gazillion things for a woman, but only a few concrete things for a guy. So it really is up to the girl to set the tone, to know what she wants and act on it accordingly. Because the heat of passion cools off, but respect is what keeps the love going.
Silence is golden
I’ve wasted so much energy trying to explain things to people when they are not ready to hear it: from what life is like in my home country to what I do for work to giving solicited advice and realizing later on that the person did not even listen. I think trying to explain things is a form of control. You want to control what others think and therefore, you use words to tell them your perspective. But a funny thing happens. The more you try, the less people listen, or they hear something you didn’t even try to convey. Everyone sees the world through their lens and experiences. Just live your life, talk less and everything will fall into its place.
Be brave
I used to be afraid to ask questions, because I thought I’d look stupid. I used to be self conscious of what others would think about what I wear or do or where I go or what I like. Hahahaha! Now I know that we all first and foremost think about ourselves. Who cares? And to tell you the truth, after the age of 30 the time to wear hot pink shoes, run a 5k (or a marathon for that matter!), take up salsa dancing classes or start a blog is getting shorter with each year you procrastinate. Because nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. So be brave and decisive today. It’ll make you a better woman, wife, mother and friend.
What would you tell your younger self? I would love to hear it!
